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I am worried about someone I know
Friends and family are often the first to notice something is wrong. Your loved one may have told you about it, or you might be worried even if you haven’t spoken with them. You may not know what to say.
People experiencing domestic abuse are often afraid to report it, and as someone close to them, it can be overwhelming. You don’t have to face it alone; there is help and advice available for you as well.
How to know if it is domestic abuse
It can be hard to know even if we are experiencing it directly, so from the outside looking in it can feel very uncertain. You can learn more about what domestic abuse is and who it effects on our What is domestic abuse page.
Specialist domestic abuse services are also available for friends and family to seek advice and support. They can talk through your concerns and help you work out if abuse is taking place.
Contact the Oxfordshire Domestic Abuse Service (ODAS, run by A2Dominion).
What you can do
People experiencing domestic abuse are often scared to mention it because they don’t know what reaction they might get. They may want to talk about it but because of this fear they will wait for someone else to bring it up.
If you’re worried about someone you are close to, let them know you’ve noticed something is wrong. They might not be ready to talk about it but let them know you are there for them when they are ready. When the time comes try to find somewhere safe and quiet where they feel comfortable to talk to you.
Here are some tips for when you are speaking with them:
- listen well and let them know you care
- take care not to blame them – the abuser is always the one to blame for what is happening
- try not to criticise the abuser directly, as they may want to stay in the relationship - it's better to show you don't approve of what they do, rather than who they are
- take an interest and give them time to talk but let them know it is okay if they don’t want to say much
- it's normal for people experiencing abuse to feel unsafe and lose trust so reassure them it's okay to hold back if they need to
- it’s important to build and keep trust and if you share information with other friends or family, it could make things worse - only share what someone tells you if they say it’s okay, unless it’s an emergency or you think someone is in immediate danger
- tell them that what is happening is never okay and they do not deserve it, no matter what the abuser might say
- they might not want to leave the relationship, and this can make us feel worried, but it is important to support their wishes - leaving can make things more dangerous
- help them to make a report to police if they want to
- offer to go to medical appointments with them if they have been physically hurt
- have information about support and advice services ready for them should they wish to use it
Guidance booklet
There is a comprehensive guide for friends and family on the Buckinghamshire Domestic Abuse Board website (PDF).
The guide was created in Buckinghamshire, but the advice is useful anywhere.
For information about local services in Oxfordshire, please go to our support and advice page.
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Access to domestic abuse information
If you need any of the information on these pages in a different format or a different language, or hard copy, please contact us.
