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Information for parents or carers of children who live with the impact of domestic abuse
Children who see or hear domestic abuse are victims, they may not be physically harmed, but witnessing abuse is recognised as child abuse and can significantly affect them.
Children do not need to see violence directly to be affected.
They may:
- hear arguments, shouting, or threatening
- see injuries, distress, or damage to the home
- be caught in an incident or as they get older try to intervene
- have their routines disrupted or are neglected due to the abuse
The non-abusive parent is not to blame; the blame lies with the abuser.
What parents or carers can do to support the child
Parents or carers can:
- reassure the child that it is not their fault, and that abuse and violence is wrong
- help them to feel safe by keeping to routines as much as possible and if old enough, create a simple safety plan with them
- using age-appropriate language, speak to the child and listen to them - it is important to choose the right time and a safe environment when talking to them
- seek support for yourself and the children - this can be through the GP, school, health visitor, specialist domestic abuse services and Children’s Social Care if needed
With the right help and support, children can recover and build resilience.
Advice and support for young people
If you are worried about the way your partner is behaving towards you; you are not alone.
Relationships can feel exciting, especially at the start. But if your partner’s behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable, controlled or scared, it’s important to take that seriously.
A healthy relationship should make you feel:
- safe
- respected
- supported
- free to be yourself
If that’s not how you feel, something isn’t right. It is okay to ask for help.
Signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship
Abuse isn’t just physical, it can be emotional, controlling, sexual or happen online.
You might notice your partner is:
- controlling you - telling you who you can see, what you can wear, get angry if you spend time with others or wanting to know where you are all the time
- pressuring you - making you do things you do not want to do, including sexual activity or sharing images - they may say things like ‘if you loved me, you would’
- invading your privacy - asking for your passwords, tracking your location, checking your phone or social media
- putting you down - calling you names, embarrassing or humiliating you, blaming you for their behaviour and making you feel it is all your fault
- scaring you - sudden anger, threats or intimidation and you feel you are walking on eggshells around them
You may feel confused because there are times when your partner is kind, funny, supportive and you care for them
Be aware:
- abusive behaviour can start small and infrequent, but over time will get worse
- at first, it may feel as though they care for you but then you feel unsure and blame yourself
- you may start feeling anxious about upsetting them, or guilty or responsible for their behaviour
- you may feel alone as you have stopped seeing friends and talking to your family
They are valid feelings and you deserve support.
Abuse is about control and is never your fault.
What you can do
You can:
- talk to someone you trust - a family member, carer, family friend, teacher
- contact a specialist service who can listen and support you
- trust your instincts - if something does not feel right, listen to that feeling - you don't need proof for your concerns to be valid
- you have the right to say, "no"; you have the right to privacy and you have the right to feel safe
- isolation is part of the controlling behaviour, so keep in touch with your friends and keep talking to your family
Support for children
- SAFE! - Support for young people affected by crime
- Bounce Back 4 Kids (BB4K)
- Early help - Oxfordshire County Council - see the Early help guide for families (PDF)
Support for young people who are worried about their partner’s behaviour
- SAFE! - Support for young people affected by crime - Young person pages
- The Mix (for under 25's)
- Childline (for under 19’s)
- NSPCC
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Access to domestic abuse information
If you need any of the information on these pages in a different format or a different language, or hard copy, please contact us.
